to impress or to impact?

Family, work, relationships, health, social status, appearance. They are all pressured on us in this society, and economy; but how do we prioritize?
Right now I am working 7 days a week, because at age 20 my health is on a downwards slope to nothing good. My weight is increasing along with my sugar level, my blood pressure level, and my stress level. Sure, 7 days a week adds stress, and higher blood pressure, but its pays my way to the gym.
Now about the gym, I absolutely loathe working out, and its not because I've never gotten into it, but because I've worked out on and off for the past 7 years. I'll get into a good workout plan, and work my tail off for months, but unfortunately everything except my tail stays stubbornly in place. But, I'm in another mode to have myself kicked in shape. I've hired a personal trainer. I see him twice a week, and its been so hard for me to prioritize working out into my regular lifestyle. I'm going into my 7th week of working out with him, and eating a healthy diet, and doing cardio on the days I'm not with him, and I can proudly say I've lost 3.7lbs! Yes, that's right, less than 4lbs in almost 2 months. It makes me want to cry.

My family means the world to me. I really can't describe the feeling I have in my heart for them. I want to guard them from the world, and protect them from all the hurt it will sometimes lead you. They have been so supportive of my lifestyle change, my mom is constantly offering up new techniques, and dieting/eating habits that are good for you. Last night I came home and she was absolutely giddy over a new free website she found that helps you plan meals factoring in calories, fiber, protein, sugar, carbs, and fat. She was just so excited. If I wasn't so exhausted then I would have been excited just to see her that way. My sisters are all the time asking about how my workouts went, what kind of new exercises I'm doing, how my eating is going. They are only 11 & 12, but I'm not sure I could ask for better supporters if they had been my age. My dad is even encouraging. For the first time in my life my dad shows genuine interest in something I'm doing for myself. My brothers are all saying they are proud of me while biting their cheek. They've never been the kind to be encouraging, but they are really trying with me. And despite them ever admitting it, they like seeing me enthused about something. It brings a challenge of some kind.

With working so much, and working out like I do, it leaves little time for my social relationships. My friends have always been my "out" to stress. They have been my happy medicine. But now the only time I get to see them is once every couple of weeks. Which is harder on me than I thought it would be. People don't realize how much they mean to me, or even if they know I can't go somewhere, how much a simple invitation is regardless. I've noticed lately that I've lost a lot of friends over the past couple of years, and I just wondered out of all the people I know, and have been close to at some point in my life, just how many of them would be there for me if I truly needed them? Sure, working this much means less drama, which is a definite plus. But out of all of these lost friendships, its not because any of them ended badly, only that we grew apart. Some of it may have been my fault, some of it theirs. But I think of all of them, all the time. Who can I depend on? Who still cares after all this time?

I would like to think that all of this working and working out will pay off, and I'll become this beautiful young/attractive/popular/fit/rich female. But realistically even if I'm never any of those things, I know where I'm at on the inside. And even though sometimes I feel so lost I get overwhelmed, and my anxiety kicks in full speed, and I don't know what is up or down; I know ultimately it will all be okay.

I realized today that while some people make it a point to impress from afar, I was to make an impact up close and in person. The impressing people want the best of everything in life. Its not enough that they have a lot of money, or have nice houses, or have cool cars, or look absolutely stunning. Because at that point nothing is ever enough. The impacting people are those who want to make a positive difference in someone else's life. One day (a really, really, really long time from now), I want somebody to remember me and say that I made a impact on his/her life. I made a difference, and because of that, they love themselves, and they have led a good life because they found who they are from the inside out, and not the outside in. "I can do all things through Chris who strengthens me". Seek him, he is the beginning and right ending to it all.

The Love of Life

I created this site over a year ago, so that my family could see the poems that I write, they seem to like them. But i've decided to start blogging. I feel like I have so much I could talk about, that my mind is just overwhelmed and bogged down in thought.

The past few years of my life have changed me dramatically, and sometimes I think its for the best. But other times I wonder if it really is? Do you ever have those weeks when you just want to stay in the bed, with the covers over your head until the storm passes over? This is one of those weeks for me.
I've been doing my "lifestyle change" now for a little over 3 weeks. Well, I drilled it into my head at the beginning of the year. I refuse to call it dieting, because me and that word butt heads. And I refuse to call this a new years resolution, because that just makes me feel like I don't have the strength to do it myself. Anyway, I'm working with a personal trainer two times a week, and i'm trying to do all I can to eat like I'm supposed too, but the weight is just not coming off like I want it too. I know, be patient. I know, it doesn't happen over night. I know, I need to keep my spirits up. But I also know what the doctors said. I also know how frustrating it has been for me. As someone with pre-diabeties and PCOS, it will be extremely difficult for me, just not impossible. And don't think I just started dieting for the first time ever this year, i've juggled with my weight for going on 10 years, my first Weight Watchers meeting was when I was 11 years old.

So, I've decided to start writing about my experience, so I can see myself progress, so you can see me progress. And I'm just praying, God gives me the strength to overcome this trial in my life, and just become healthy if nothing else.